OK, a little disappointing but far from unexpected. This is the pattern:

Day 1: I eat what I want.

Day 2: I get on the scales in the morning, accept the observed weight spike and, with an even emotional keel, return to the straight and narrow dieting path.

Day 3, i.e. today: I get on the scales in the morning and panic a bit. “I was really good yesterday! That… that should have made up for the day before… at least most of it!” I always react in this childlike way even though the adult in me knows very well that it doesn’t work that way. This makes Day 3 vey hard, as despair scrabbles at the cracks in the door.

Day 4: If I’ve continued to be good then I see more weight loss and regain some faith that, by the end of the week, I will have more than made up for Day 1.

Day 5: Again, if I’ve eaten sensibly and exercised consistently, I’m back to where I was on Day 1 Eve. I feel satisfied that I have two days left to drop below that weight.

I’m feeling extremely good this morning, considering that it’s both a Day 3 and a Monday. I seem to be drawing strength from this process as I’d hoped. Prior to my writing about it, my dieting landscape was a wide-open field full of pits and scrub brush. Now it looks more like a downhill slope with a luge: “Gotta get up and exercise so I can come back and weigh myself and write about it and…”

I just skimmed back over my posts of the last week and am happy to report that my mood is evening out. That’s a Good Thing, because if I was still as manic as I was last Monday I’d worry. But instead I’ve transformed the manic energy: the engine in which I’ve burned some of my self-loathing and despair and ennui has done useful work.


3 Responses to “249”

  1. Ranta Says:

    This is probably obvious to you, but there’s nothing wrong with eating what you want. It’s a matter of eating less of it. Instead of three slices of pizza, have two (or one). I know my own appetites, and how easy it is to just feed like a steed when you’re feeling good; hey, you’ve earned it, right? But it really is the key.

  2. theoneifeed Says:

    You said it. I know that moderation is key, yet moderation has always been — and will always be — the biggest challenge of my life.

  3. theoneifeed Says:

    Oh, two more things:

    1. Thanks for reading and replying!

    2. When I say “Eat what I want” what I mean is not just *what*, but how much. In other words, it means that I’m more or less gorging myself. I suspect that to a normal person the distinction between “What I want” and “As much as I want” is quite clear. For me they blur together. And focusing through such blurs is what this blog is about. Very soon I’ll be publishing a piece about the possibility of perceiving distinctions between my own hard-wired and soft-wired tendencies that are perhaps analagous to a computer’s BIOS and OS, respectively. The idea is to calm the battle between mind and body and someday — I hope — reach a point where “What I want” truly does not include “As much as I want”.

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