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Now that’s a great thing to see: the “CLOSED” sign in the window of Mary’s being moved just as I pull up!

When the alarm went off at 6:40 this morning, about three hours after I went to sleep, I did not do what might seem the only sane thing. But you see, Grace had set the alarm per my request. The donuts and cookies and pastries at Mary’s are that good.

My cinnamon doughnuts and pillow cookies, and Grace’s plain doughnut, were all waiting on the racks. But I didn’t see an eclair, which was part of Grace’s order. I mentioned to the fellow behind the counter (Gosh I’m terrible with names!) that I was looking for an eclair, and it turned out that there were some coming out in five minutes! So I got everything we wanted.

One of the main hopes for this process of reexamining my relationship with food is that I may change what I want. I want my desires to less resemble the hedonistic and feral imperative “Eat all that I can.” So, since last night, I’ve been focusing: I’ve remembered how bloated I felt last weekend, and the weekend before, at the end of an excessive eat-whatever-I-want day; I’ve remembered the disappointment of seeing a three-pound weight gain over the weekend, despite climbing a high peak; and I’ve planned today’s eating so that I don’t even try to pack eight gallons of food into a five-gallon day. Because gorging myself is not what I want.

And that’s why I came back from Mary’s with less than on previous trips — notably without one of those delicious cheese Danish. Today, “everything I wanted” amounted to less than it once did. That makes me hopeful.


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