Turning it around

My original title of this post was “Well, that was pathetic.” But I’m figuring out a different way of looking at it.

I exercised twice today. I got out for a walk earlier, and I did a workout just now. Unfortunately the workout, outlined below, was a pale shadow of the ones I was doing a few months ago. It’s difficult not to look at the numbers, feel the weakness and heaviness of my body, and think “Damn. That sucked.”

But I just realized that there is a middle road between beating myself up and ignoring what’s in front of my nose. I can look at what’s in front of my nose, evaluate it clinically, and use it to modify my behavior.

OK, so what’s in front of my nose? Well, my belly is bigger than it was in October. My pants are a lot tighter. There’s more jiggling going on when I run. I can see in the mirror how much I’ve backslid. My legs don’t have the stamina they had. And the exercises I’m capable of doing have decreased dramatically, both in number of reps and number of sets.

All right. What benefit did I get from that month off the wagon? Well, lemme tell ya, I enjoyed the hell out of it. Don’t be fooled by all my talk about how sad I was and yadda yadda yadda. Sure I was sad. Sure I was in pain. But damn, I love to eat. I loved eating those bins of oatmeal raisin cookies from Stop & Shop. I loved eating all those omelets with sausage and buttered bagels. And drinking all that beer? Absolutely glorious. Think of my palate as an art student. Drinking all those beers was like a month at the Louvre.

Now. Weigh the cost against the benefits. Was it worth it?

Interesting. I just realized that, before tonight, I was weighing the pleasure of eating against how bad I felt about myself for eating. But now I’m taking the bad feelings out of the equation, because I’m operating on the assumption that they aren’t useful. So now I’m weighing the emotional benefits of eating against its deleterious effects on my body.

No. No, I don’t think it was worth it.

So now I have a fresh and clinical awareness that the costs of my addiction outweigh the benefits. But that doesn’t dismiss the addiction. I can still fall off the wagon. How do I turn the knowledge into a safeguard against the harmful behavior?

Stay tuned.

Dips Pullups Stairs
Round 1 2 1 100
Round 2 1 1 100
Round 3 1 1 100
TOTAL 4 3 300
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